In the last week, since we had been on vacation (and though we had ample Internet access) I had not kept up with Achewood, one of my favorite web comics of all time — even outpacing Penny Arcade by a far sight. Well, in the last week the author/artist/artiste of Achewood, Chris Onstad has really hit close to home with ol’ Ben.

“It’s like someone sold the mineral rights to my childhood to this man,” I tell Geoff, “and he’s dosing them out to me in the form of a cartoon strip each weekday.”

Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, Pinewood Derby cars (and how those damned pre-cut models were all so fab, but then our Troop outlawed them because it took away the spirit of the whole father-son Pinewood Derby car team thing — yeah! That’ll show you, you rich bastards with your fancy cars.), “your momma” jokes — wow. I’m stunned at the creativity of this man, but at the same time I fear when this time in my life will be over. When the artists of my generation have mined the Transformers and He-Man for all their comic worth. Think of the (old) children, Onstad! Conserve thy funny lode.

This morning, we met Gary and Mayumi in the lobby of our hotel and headed out to Perry’s Smorgy to get some breakfast. As this is our last day, we will certainly miss Smorgy and all that it gave us for the low low price of $5.95 for an all-you-can eat buffet. After breakfast, we headed down to Kuhio Beach to be taught the ancient are of surfing ($25 a head — not terrible). The statue of Duke Kahanamoku greeted us with open arms, and after a brief introduction to our surfboards (this is my surfboard, there are many like it, but this one is mine), we headed into the ocean. Much to our surprise(s), none of us was completely horrible — the surfing is the easy part! The swimming through the waves is what is tough! Wow! Even Kelly, the practicing swimmer was getting tired. Nonetheless, we all had an absolute ball, and we were tired and happy at the end of the hour. There was a photographer in the water snapping our photos, and your could get them on the CD for a bit of cash at the end of your “ride”. Mine and Kelly’s photos were uninspired, but Gary and Mayumi had some good shots taken and so they had a CD made. Hopefully they’ll get on the web here soon. Gary and I sat around chewing the fat about our respective home country baseball leagues while Mayumi and Kelly slept and baked (respectively) on the beach. Gary, Kelly and I took one last sojourn into the sea before bidding it adieu. I faced south, took a handful of sand with one wave washing ashore, scrubbed my hands together, and with the next wave rinsed them clean. My way of a handshake with the sea, to show respect. We bid our fond farewells with Gary and Mayumi, made a stop at an ABC store for some last-minute gifts and a sea kelp musubi (rice ball), and headed back to the hotel. That’s where I am right now — in about an hour, we check out. In 4 hours, we board a flight home to Louisville. I’m sad to have to go.

P.S. Photos from Polynesian Center will be up tomorrow, and we didn’t have a chance to take photos at the beach today.

Today, Chuck, Danna, Tom, Kelly and I went to the Polynesian Cultural Center — a sprawling cultural “theme” park, sorta like that place at Walt Disney World where all the countries are represented in their own little villages, except that the villages here represent different countries in “Polynesia”. Fiji, Hawaii, French Polynesia, New Zealand, Samoa, Tonga and the Marqueses all have their individual villages with great, lively demonstrations, games and handicrafts. It is pretty much an all-day affair starting at noon, demostrations, IMAX movies and pagaents filling out the day until at 5 PM, you have a luau buffett with a song and dance show going on at the same time. Then, at 7 PM the big hoopla happens — the “Horizons” show. This is a great big orchestrated show involving a cast of 100, colorful costumes, an erupting volcano and plenty of fire. It was quite a fantastic show, and a great way to cap off a fun, interesting, and educational day.

First off, the Hawaii – Day Six gallery is up.

Today we slept in a little bit and headed down to our favorite breakfast buffet — Perry’s Smorgy Restaurant. However, as soon as Kelly saw how beautiful and sunny it was outside, we decided to change into our beach gear before going. We only had about 45 minutes on the beach before heading back to our room to get dressed for the wedding.

It should be noted that mid-western / Southern-style “church clothes” are not conducive to comfort in the island climate. My black slacks, shoes and blazer were woefully thick and hot, not to mention completely out of character with the rest of the the whole city. The walk down to Chuck and Danna’s hotel wasn’t terrible, but oh, just wait — it gets better.

As I walk up the steps of the Queen Kapiolani Hotel, I notice that there seems to be quite a draft. In my pants. I remembered quickly why I had not worn these pants in such a long time — they were the ones that split on me during Chuck and Danna’s wedding some 3 years ago! Luckily, Tom came through with an extra pair of black slacks, and I quickly changed and thanked Tom quite a bit! We headed out to the Gloria Diamond Chapel…

Kelly and I had assumed we were driving to the chapel — but we really didn’t know how far away it was from their hotel, and we didn’t have a map. The party instead started out on foot. The map we had was woefully small and only the most crucial streets were labelled. We left the hotel at 11:37 with the wedding at noon, and after over-shooting the chapel followed by head-scratching and reorienting, we were finally back on track. Oh, yes, I must mention — IT WAS HOT. Kelly had some dress heels on, and I had the aforementioned slacks on. Everyone was sweating by the time we got to the chapel (a mere 5 minutes late).

We were greeted by the bilingual (more Japanese than English) greeter / wedding commandant woman from the “wedding company”. She instructed us in short, clipped sentences and suggestive hand-motions and eventually we all fell in place. I didn’t care for standing out in the sun for five minutes lined up waiting to go into the chapel — but really, after that walk standing still was A-OK number one fine with me.

The service was short and sweet and done in both English and Japanese. The opening song was Ave Maria, and the closing song was something in Japanese. The service reminded me a bit of Methodist or Lutheran or something lightly Catholic. The following act in this tightly orchestrated play (Aren’t all weddings like this? Ceremony, photo-op, photo-op, dress rearrangement, photo-op, confusion, photo-op, speech, food, food, Electric Slide) was a “shower of rose petals” followed in quick sucession by the champagne toast and cutting of the cake, and a brief photo op by a large curtain-style fountain. We were then herded into and locked inside of the main dining room.

I should say that I have never eaten anywhere were there were more forks than fingers on your hand. We had four forks (five including the dessert fork), and frankly I didn’t know what to expect, but assumed that we work our way from the outside in. I knew we were in for some culinary treat for sure!

Before all that, though, there was an opportunity for the party involved to give some speeches. Gary went first (in English) and thanked everyone who travelled all this way to come, Roger and Jane Koybayashi (the man who lei’d me the night before), and both his and Mayumi’s parents. Mayumi said her speech in Japanese, so I can’t really tell you what she said, but by the reactions of the Japanese speakers at the table, it was a true tearjerker.

Ryoichi Taki, the father of the bride spoke next — first in Japanese and secondly in English. He noted (loudly) that he does not speak English, and had been up all night practicing his speech. He said that Gary was a bit quiet and shy and that he felt that because of this, Gary was already a little bit Japanese. He also thanked all those in the wedding party, and then sang the opening lines to Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love With You” in English. It was quite endearing! As he sat and comically wiped his brow, we gave him a round of applause.

And then, oh my brothers, there was a meal like no other I had seen before! A seven-course meal with foie gras, salmon and tuna poke (poh-kay), scallop soup, mahi mahi filets, pork chops, cake, coconut sherbet (frozen coconut pudding, I’m told), and Hawaiian coffee. I should say that while I’ve never had foie gras (duck liver pate’) before — I wasn’t about to turn down the chance to try it. Surprisingly it was quite good, but not necessarily the sort of thing that I’d eat on a regular basis. The entire meal was very good, and very well presented. I enjoyed the mixing of French, Hawaiian and Japanese cuisines quite a bit.

After the dinner, we “vacated the premises” as Gary put it, and while Gary and family went to take photos on Hale Koa beach, Kelly and I retired to our rooms for a while. We intend to hit the Ala Moana Center again today with Chuck, Danna, Mayumi and Gary and then eat at the all-you-can eat Japanese seafood restaurant, Todai. Tomorrow is the Polynesian Cultural Center tour/luau, and Thursday we plan on getting a little surfing in before we head home later in the day!

Update: Greetings from the Ala Moana Mac Store! Honk honk!

First off, it should be noted that the Hawaii: Day Five gallery is now ready for business. We met Gary, Mayumi, Chuck, Danna, Tom, Sue and Jim at Duke’s Waikiki for a breakfast buffet, and then split for the beach as Chuck, Danna and Tom headed for the Waikiki Zoo, and Gary and Mayumi had a meeting with the “wedding company”.

Later on we met up with Gary, Mayumi, Chuck, Danna and Tom at the Hale Koa hotel and hit the beach again! We rented some sea-going kayaks, and later built a great sandcastle on the beach.

Later tonight, we eat at San Sei — a reputably great steak and sushi house for the pre-wedding meal! I shall eat my weight in raw fish! More later!!

Update: Well, the dinner at San Sei was quite nice, with some of the best sushi I’ve ever had. Highlights included the Japanese members of our party (Shin, Etsuko, and the Taki’s) ordered green and oolong tea, and the restaurant brought out *canned* green and oolong tea. Gary said this was the equivalent of the Bristol (or any decent restaurant) bringing out canned Minute Maid orange juice when you asked for a glass of OJ.

Further update: Oh yeah — I forgot to mention that during our outing with the kayaks, Gary and I got tangled up riding a wave back and we both flipped over into the sea! Normally not such a bad thing, but the area where we were was a very shallow reef-like area, with some spots having rocks poking out of the surf! Yeesh. Well, we both managed to get back on board, and paddled back into shore to exchange with Kelly and Mayumi. Kelly had a great time on the kayak, and we even spotted some giant sea turtles! Chuck followed a manta ray around out near the breakers, too.

The sandcastle was great fun — four grown men (and eventually Kelly) digging in the sand, offering up their own sand engineering tips. Eventually we had a large compound built around our central tower. I taught everyone how to make drip castles, and we festooned our creation with shells and drip-towers. I said to Gary — “In honor of your wedding, we present thee with this magnamous affront to God!” — and then it was swept into the sea.

This morning we got up and met Chuck and Danna at Smorgy’s for breakfast around 8 AM. All of this getting up early nonsense is going to kill be back home. Whew. I can’t not wait. Despite the constant threat of birds stealing your tater tots, Smorgy’s once again delivered tasty food and great coffee.

Chuck and Danna had rented a car, so they drove us down to the Aloha Stadium Swap Meet — the place to get knock-off goods and screen-printed t-shirts in bulk. Circling the stadium (which itself is kind of hideous), it was not terribly crowded, and the goods were plentiful, and the admission price of $.50 a piece was just right. You could even get a coconut postcard, if you wife would only let you indulge yourself in a silly game of postcard one-upsmanship. Ah well. We found gifts for most of the folks on our trip. A must do if you visit the place. All of the ridiculous curios you might expect to find everywhere else but for half the cost (or less).

Aloha Stadium is right close to Pearl Harbor and the USS Arizona Memorial, but we were hungry, so we went in search of food. Good lord. It took us an HOUR. An HOUR, all of which could have been avoided by us looking on the north side of the stadium first. Ah well. We eventually found our way to the Arizona Memorial.

The Arizona Memorial was quite nice, and well respected by all who we saw there. There is a nice movie that is shown before you board the boats to get to the Memorial (voiced by Stockard Channing, I do believe). The Memorial is quite nice and is a very somber affair, especially considering there are more than a thousand men entombed within her sunken shell. Their final resting place no more than 10 feet below the calm surface of Pearl Harbor. I think the photos do that justice.

After the Memorial, we briefly checked out the WWII Navy submarine memorial (with the USS Bowfin on display) for all of the submarines and submariners who lost their lives. Kelly and Danna didn’t really want to go into a submarine, so YAWN, we headed back into Honolulu.

Heading back into Honolulu, Danna suggested we go and check out Diamond Head crater. We arrive shortly after 4 PM, not really knowing what to expect. Turns out, you pay $5 to park, and then there is a 0.8 mile hike to the top of the crater. 0.8 miles! HAH! “WARNING: PLEASE BE ADEQUATELY PREPARED BEFORE HIKING”. Oh what-ever! Young, strapping dudes and dudettes like ourselves, we could handle it. We started up.

The first bit is a windy section up the inside of the crater, and with some mildly steep paths. A couple of stops up the way offered nice look-outs and minor rests. Then you get to the staircases (and a mining tunnel). The first staircase is 79 steep steps, the second staircase 99 steps (yet steeper), and the third a spiral staircase! Wow! Halfway up the 99 step staircase (attempting to keep up with and maintain appearances with Kelly), my brain had shut down to the point of basic survival instincts — one foot in front of the other. The only sentient thought I could think of was “lean forward, lest you faint and fall backwards, surely killing a number of also tired Japanese and German tourists, causing a minor international flap”. Finally, I reached the top and the medium-grade abandoned tunnel (dimly lit). Holy-moley. Lots and LOTS of altitude in that last run. Finally, the TOP! A quick glance at the watch marked the 0.8 miles and 700 feet were hiked/scaled in 20 minutes! Woo-hoo. 20 minutes that surely took twice that off my life. But – BUT – I kept face with Kelly. She told me I didn’t have to do that, but I know good and well, my failure to keep pace would have registered a black mark in some book of hers.

The hike, though tough was COMPLETELY worth it. Wow! Amazing view, with a rainbow to boot! Many photos taken. Much rejoicing had upon the return back down to the base.

We returned back to Chuck and Danna’s hotel to attempt contact with Gary, and it seemed that he had left a voice message. A couple of calls later, and apparently Gary and Mayumi where out and about as well. We headed back to our hotel and had a quick dip in the pool and then headed to dinner a Keoni’s — a Thai/American joint across the street. The service was abyssmal, but my “Evil Jungle Prince” curry was FAN-tastic, as was Chuck’s mahi-mahi with ginger-soy sauce. Nummy!

Tommorrow, we eat breakfast as Duke’s on Waikiki Beach, and then plan on spending most of the day on the beach until we go to San Sei for the big pre-game meal!

Kelly and I sprang awake at some ungodly hour (6 or 7 AM), and with a hankerin’ for breakfast, we headed down to “Perry’s Smorgy Restaurant”. A breakfast buffet for $5.95! Oh yeah. Fresh papaya and pineapple and kona coffee. Very nice.

Afterwards, we farted around for a little bit and then decided to go to the Waikiki Aquarium. It’s only about a 15 minute walk from our hotel down towards Diamond Head. It’s kind of a small affair — but well worth the $7 fee. Quite a few large tanks, and some really neat tanks with cuttlefish (ne’ squids), octopi, chambered Nautiluses, frog fish, etc. Shortly after arriving, I realized that the batteries in the cam were exhausted, so alas! no photos. Check out the website… Anyway… we wanted to go outside and see the monk seals and other exhibits outside, but it was raining hard enough for even the most accustomed of Hawaiian to consider staying inside. (It is worth noting that rain comes and goes as it pleases, and does not stay around long. Much like Kentucky’s weather patterns, far quicker in cycle.) Kelly and I took seats in the auditorium-style seats in front of the main tank.

After a couple of minutes of idle watching, Kelly begins to assign not only names to the fish we have been watching, but also personality traits and backstories. The two blacktip reef sharks were Arliss and Mason, well-tempered but somewhat silent cousins of the Zebra shark — B. B. B. B. is slightly retarded, and is both tolerated and protected by Arliss and Mason. B. B. appeared to Kelly to be retarded on account of his lazy, yet tight circles he (she?) would swim, and the silly expression on his face. Me, personally, I think he just appeared lazy because of his elongated body structure, but WHO KNOWS. I’ll operate under the assumption that there can be retarded sharks. There were also Ed and Ted (short for Edward and Tedward) — I think they might have been Tuna, but who knows. Oh, yes, they are twins. Kelly says they are known to often finish each others sentences, and dinners (they already dress alike). B. B. required protection because of Stuart, a species of long and angry-looking fish. Little is known about this one. Other players included Snaggles the buck-toothed red snapper, and Carl the Bluefin Jack with a hard past (Kelly says he spoke like Tony, the mob boss on the Simpsons).

We finally decided to brave the rain, so we headed outside to check out the Monk Seals, coral, etc. The Monk seals were awesome! They looked like giant, underwater cat people. One of them (they were also by named by Kelly), Conrad, often would stand upside-down in the tank, and stay there for minutes at a time. He would then float in front of us, standing upright like a human, and spin himself around with one fin. It was cute as all hell! I would trade him for Mr. Cheese any day. Well, maybe some sort of timeshare. Mandy was the other seal, and Kelly likened her to some sort of young, seal trophy wife. If a seal could fit in our tub, we’d have one by now.

After the aquarium, we hit the beach for a while to wait for Chuck and Danna who arrived about an hour and a half late due to massive headwinds. We met up with them at our hotel, and we walked down Kuhio Avenue and just fooled about, really. It started raining a little bit — and Danna managed to get lei’d by a young 14 year old girl. This girl came up and slapped these leis around us all, and then demanded money. Ah well, thank you no, save for one. Danna utilized it to make their room/closet smell a little better. Hopefully Chuck and Danna can post photos of their “closet”. It’s roomy, for a closet.

After a walk on the beach, we headed through the lobby of the Sheraton, dripping wet, through a gaggle of black-tie affair attendees. Oooh boy, too funny. But that is the dichotomy of Hawaii, I think. Any place where it rains all the time in short bursts and there is a good possibility of sweating, everyone has an understanding.

Anywho, we split up as Kelly and I needed a bite to eat, and Chuck and Danna were no doubt jet-lagged. In the morning — Aloha Stadium and Pearl Harbor and the Arizona Memorial.

Hey hey! I’m uploading some photos as we speak. When they go up, they will be in the Hawaii Gallery! Keep an eye out. Off to some big-assed mall. Kelly is chomping at the bit!

Update: it should please the gentry that photos from our “Day Two” here in Honolulu are now uploaded into the Hawaii Day Two gallery. Nothing exciting yet, as the rest of the crew has not yet arrived.

The big-assed mall — the Ala Moana Center was indeed big, and filled to the brim with stylish and not-so-stylish Japanese girls. The Von Dutch trucker hat is lame in America, girls, so get with it! Gonna catch some sushi at this joint down by the beach.

Update, night edition: Kelly and I ate at Furusato (not Futosako, or whatever I told Gary earlier and he translated into “Old Sugar”) tonight. Wow. Man — such excellent fish at decent prices. Tuna sashimi, yellow tail sashimi, barbecued eel, poke (a tuna/seaweed/tomato/onion/sesame salad), Philadelphia and cucumber rolls were all had and delivered graciously and with an attention to detail that made me question the sanity of the waitstaff. I also had a double-deuce of Asahi which was fantastic. Really, all this is just a run-up — a test of my sushi mettle until we get to SanSei on Monday for the “pre-game dinner” (as Gary is calling it). Tomorrow, we intend on meeting up with the Pearsalls, and quite possibly hitting a luau.

… and the bottom of a glass of bourbon. As I write this, I am enjoying the mid 70 degree weather of a cool and somewhat overcast Honolulu night from the balcony of our hotel room. I am coming to you live thanks to the unknown soul who has left an open wireless (wi-fi) access point in the general vicinity of my lofty nest. The glass of bourbon sweats a bit in this humid weather, the ice cubes occassionally shifting on their own.

The flight was OK — but only survivable thanks to a number of books. I managed to finish Neal Stevenson’s “Cryptonomicon” (what dozen pages I had left to finish), and even managed to complete in a single sitting Stephen King’s “The Gunslinger” (The Dark Tower Volume 1). I consider it one of my most focused reading attempts to date, especially in light of the fact that it took me nigh on 3 months to complete Cryptonomicon.

My mind is teetering on the edge of madness right now — according to my watch, which has been set to HST (-6 EST), I should be kissing Kelly asleep at home, but my body knows better. It thinks I need to get up in approximately 2 and one-half hours. My brain (and Colonel Bourbon) say otherwise. When we stepped into the Pacific for the first time, Kelly should have been at home in bed, but there is no time for such dalliances into logic — we are on vacation!

Neither Kelly nor I had ever seen the Pacific with our own eyes, and I must say it is beautiful — but in the way that Hawaii is beautiful. Kentucky has it’s own simple, weathered beauty, as do the Appalachians and the Atlantic Ocean. Here, the island is still very much being created and the ocean seems to reflect that youth and vigor. The Pacific is the temperature of tepid bathwater and nearly as clear.

PS – I don’t think that there is anything more alluring to me right now (aside from you, dear bourbon) than the image of a girl on a surfboard silhoutted by the sun setting on a flat horizon framed by the ocean.

Surfing tomorrow, maybe. Pictures for certain, as I have confirmed that the bandwidth is here to be had.

Kelly and I are off to beeeea-utiful Hawaii tomorrow morning at 10AM! Hopefully I’ll be able to score some wireless Internet access and upload some photos and a rolling travelogue. Watch this space…